Novemver 21

Did I tell you that I never imagined that there will come a time when you won't be here with us to celebrate your birthday? Life is short, I know that now. I only had 27 chances to greet you a happy birthday, 27 opportunities to wrap a special gift for you. If I had known that you won't be around that long, I would have spent hours and days finding the perfect gift or we would have celebrated your birthday twice. But the thought of you going away, never coming back and leaving us alone was foreign to me. You were invincible in my eyes. Sickness, I was so sure, cannot defeat you because you always manage to overcome difficulties. In my mind and in the minds of people who knew you well, acute renal failure will never win against you. Besides, the battle was not yours entirely. You know that Dad, Ate and the kids, Kuya, Christian and I will fight with you to overcome it.

And fight we did. Two years of dialysis treatment is no mean feat. I look back and wonder where we got the strength to continue fighting even in the absence of resources. I guess it's impossible to give up when the person who suffers the most looks at you and talks to you like there is nothing wrong. One would have to be heartless to give up. All we're sure about then is that we were not ready to lose our sunshine. We were not ready to live without the toothless smile, the sage-like wisdom, the hilarious anecdotes and the most important person in our lives. We wanted more time with you.

Sadly, we did not get what we wanted. God must have seen your pain and felt that no good person deserves to endure so much pain. He is probably in need of some humor in heaven and knew you were the best person for the job. Did you know I begged him for a miracle? I was praying to Him to take away whatever pain and sickness you had and heal you. I know he could cure you and we will have time to go to the mall, watch movies, dine out, fight, laugh or just sit on your favorite couch. At times when I feel the urge to question why you had to be taken away from us, I remind myself that others are not as lucky as I am. I had an amazing mother by my side who loved me unconditionally for 27 years, that's not bad at all.

You are in a better place now. Not so long ago, I dreamt of you and you said you're OK. I believe that. Please know that we think of you all the time. Don't worry if we remember you with tears sometimes. Please don't get mad if from time to time we still wish you could be with us. It's not that we are still in denial; we're just missing your presence. We try to be kinder, more caring and more understanding to each other than we normally are because we know that's what you want. I hope you're proud of us and that we manage to put a smile on your face as you look down upon us from heaven. I can never be like you but I promise to be the daughter that you'll be proud of.

Happy Birthday Mommy. I love you and I miss you very much.

Happy Birthday, Mommy. I love you and I miss you very much.