How then do you break a cycle? My best bet is to develop a new albeit healthier and more worthwhile cycle. One that wouldn't put you at the mercy of another individual. Something that will not take you away from the real world. Anything that will not lead you to perceive yourself as less interesting or inadequate.
Someday and maybe soon enough, I will be able to stop myself. When that happens, I will look at the faces of those people, objects and activities that entrapped me with a sense of triumph and relief. But for the meantime, I have to end these relationships and activities one by one. I will, just watch me.
That's a pretty self-aware, and potentially liberating, thing to say to yourself. I've been there; for far too long, keeping promises was not my forté either, until I learned, the hard way, not to make those I wasn't (at least pretty) sure I knew how I could keep. Having one's entire career and lifestyle knocked out from underneath oneself puts that into perspective.
ReplyDeleteI saw the link to your blog on your IP profile (as rational_31). Yes, you strike me as rational; the danger with imposing rationality on yourself is it's too easy to fall into the trap of expecting the world to be rational, too. It isn't, can't be and won't ever be. We need that little spark of irrationality, creativity, acceptance of extreme risk, to be able to remain somewhat sane. Building impregnable walls around yourself is fine except for one thing; everything that is alive either grows or dies. You are alive. If, as you grow, you aren't able to take down those walls you so painfully built, quickly enough, you will crush yourself to death against them from the inside. That is all too common here; while the body and intellect may survive, what made them special is as dead as yesterday.
I'd love to get to know you. Peace.