HURDLES

I have been waiting for that day when I can finally reach the finish line, stretch my arms and just say "it's over". Four years and the race is still on. For a while, it appeared that I was able to find my pace and the energy to keep on going. But life, oh life, decided that the game was becoming boring and so it decided to throw in more hurdles.

I won't quit, can't quit even if I want to. There's just too much to lose and too many small victories that would be rendered immaterial if I stop now. That is not to say though that I do not want a substitute or an upper hand, I could use that now. Anything that will allow me sometime to breathe, slow down and appreciate the whole logic of the race.

They say it's a test of character. I say I hope I get something out of it than just exhaustion and frustration.

Inspiration, where art thou?

A few months ago, I blamed it on the lack of projects that I could call my own. A few weeks ago, I blamed it on a supplement that I was taking. As I speak, I'm blaming my boss for not telling me before hand the form and structure that she wanted for the research paper. I'm seriously in need of another person, object or circumstance to blame for my laziness or procrastination (if you prefer the hifalutin term). It used to be that I just didn't want to attend meetings and I had valid reasons for not wanting to. Then, it progressed to not wanting to go to work at all. Of course, I still have valid reasons to miss work. I will never ran out of reasons where that matter is concerned.

So, I say to myself that I'm just probably bored and tired. That i just need to relax and not pressure myself and eventually I will go back to the old, dependable and hard working person that I've always been. After all, I wanted this job. I prayed for it. It's just not possible that it's only been 15 months and I'm already bored and about to give up. Besides, I'm tired of looking for that elusive career that will make me happy. I thought I found it once but it was lacking in some areas. It would be difficult to swallow that the job i gave up a few years ago because of pride is the same and only job that has truly given me satisfaction. I'm not ready to admit that yet.

And so the last few days, I wasted my time going to places I don't really need to see and doing things that wouldn't amount to anything. It has been a habit of mine to do random things when I feel helpless. Once in a while when this feeling kicks in, I get the urge to connect with someone who is just as bored and tired as me. Misery loves company, indeed. It's a relief to know I'm not the only one. All I have to do is log into the chat room and I feel better. At some point, I'm thankful I'm still sane and capable of conversation (as opposed to those who make online sites more depressing that it should be).

It's 7:00 AM and I'm still awake. Yesterday, I spent 14 hours sleeping. My waking hours is spent in front of the laptop waiting for messages from people I don't know. Tomorrow, Monday, I'm sure I'll have to drag myself to get dressed and go to work.

I need a game changer, a kick to get me back in the game, an inspiration to make me write. I need fuel, fire and passion.

But then again, maybe all I need is a new attitude.