Justin

You may think its not necessary. I feel the same way too. As I write this, I'm convincing myself that this isn't a waste of time. I don't know for sure that this will make me feel better but I realized there weren't too many times in my life when I admitted what i was feeling. For once, I feel brave enough to say what's on my mind and I'd better grab the opportunity before I chicken out. Perhaps, I'm comforted by the thought that i don't and will never see you. In that sense, this craziness remains between you and me.

I appreciate the friendship and the conversations. You knew first hand how bored I was about my work and you helped me cope by talking to me. How many people can find someone worthwhile to talk to through Omegle? Not many, I suppose. Thank you for being rational, for listening to me, for remembering the things that I say. More than helping me deal with boredom, I felt I gained a friend. In return, I hope I was just as helpful to you as you were to me. I was in the chatroom to waste time but I found someone very insightful and interesting. Life is, indeed, full of surprises.

And I will always be grateful to you for your time, for your patience, for the humor, for the company. You are my proof that there are smart and sensible people in the chat room. I just wish I didn't get used to talking to you about anything and everything. My fault is that I expected it to go on and on.

It took me a while to understand why you stopped sending messages. Or maybe, I knew why but I was in denial. Truth is it doesn't really matter anymore. It's a done deal. I don't even like to know why you stopped sending messages and how busy you were. I guess not knowing saves me from blaming myself.

It's one thing to delete you from my list of contacts and another to have you send me messages.
I cant stop myself from replying to your messages. While I was successful at my attempt to stop sending messages, it's impossible for me to ignore you. As much as I force myself to be cold and distant when you occasionally drop me messages, I still end up asking how you're doing. I don't want to show I'm glad to hear from you but I guess it's still evident. I don't like having to wait for your messages to come. It's not your fault that I wait but when you send me messages out of the blue, that's what you do. You make me think that sooner or later another message will come. It makes me sad than happy because it makes me think how things are so different now.

Am I being overly-dramatic? I guess so. I wont offer excuses for feeling that way but I'm not proud of it either. I know this will end whatever chances we have of talking like we used to. After this, I'll probably interpret any attempt on your part to say hi as politeness or pity for me. I don't want that so just ignore me. That way, I won't have to know your thoughts and I will be saved from further embarrassment. I miss you and our chat but I realize I can't have what I want. I'm choosing to get out of the cycle of waiting, hoping, wishing and being disillusioned. Perhaps this is the right thing to do, perhaps it's not. Who knows? All that matters now is that I said what I wanted to say.

Take care, Justin. Know that I will always wish that you and your loved ones will be happy and healthy.

Novemver 21

Did I tell you that I never imagined that there will come a time when you won't be here with us to celebrate your birthday? Life is short, I know that now. I only had 27 chances to greet you a happy birthday, 27 opportunities to wrap a special gift for you. If I had known that you won't be around that long, I would have spent hours and days finding the perfect gift or we would have celebrated your birthday twice. But the thought of you going away, never coming back and leaving us alone was foreign to me. You were invincible in my eyes. Sickness, I was so sure, cannot defeat you because you always manage to overcome difficulties. In my mind and in the minds of people who knew you well, acute renal failure will never win against you. Besides, the battle was not yours entirely. You know that Dad, Ate and the kids, Kuya, Christian and I will fight with you to overcome it.

And fight we did. Two years of dialysis treatment is no mean feat. I look back and wonder where we got the strength to continue fighting even in the absence of resources. I guess it's impossible to give up when the person who suffers the most looks at you and talks to you like there is nothing wrong. One would have to be heartless to give up. All we're sure about then is that we were not ready to lose our sunshine. We were not ready to live without the toothless smile, the sage-like wisdom, the hilarious anecdotes and the most important person in our lives. We wanted more time with you.

Sadly, we did not get what we wanted. God must have seen your pain and felt that no good person deserves to endure so much pain. He is probably in need of some humor in heaven and knew you were the best person for the job. Did you know I begged him for a miracle? I was praying to Him to take away whatever pain and sickness you had and heal you. I know he could cure you and we will have time to go to the mall, watch movies, dine out, fight, laugh or just sit on your favorite couch. At times when I feel the urge to question why you had to be taken away from us, I remind myself that others are not as lucky as I am. I had an amazing mother by my side who loved me unconditionally for 27 years, that's not bad at all.

You are in a better place now. Not so long ago, I dreamt of you and you said you're OK. I believe that. Please know that we think of you all the time. Don't worry if we remember you with tears sometimes. Please don't get mad if from time to time we still wish you could be with us. It's not that we are still in denial; we're just missing your presence. We try to be kinder, more caring and more understanding to each other than we normally are because we know that's what you want. I hope you're proud of us and that we manage to put a smile on your face as you look down upon us from heaven. I can never be like you but I promise to be the daughter that you'll be proud of.

Happy Birthday Mommy. I love you and I miss you very much.

Happy Birthday, Mommy. I love you and I miss you very much.

EDUCATION and IGNORANCE

I love school. I love studying. If that is a statement that only nerds and geeks say then I am indeed one. I am not offended nor slighted. Exam and report to me is what rush and speed is to those who are into extreme sports. It's stressful but fulfilling. You can definitely live without it but life isn't the same without it. But, that's just me. Crazy, weird me.

It's probably the reason why the one job that I enjoyed the most was teaching. The classroom was my comfort zone, my queendom, my turf. That is not to say I don't get nervous when I'm in front of the class. First day of classes always scares the hell out of me. As a student, it was a moment of uncertainty. As a teacher, it's when you get your message across. Yet, I wouldn't quit nor get out of it if I could. If studying and learning wouldn't cost a thing, I'd study until my eyes could no longer read. If teaching can provide for the needs of my loved ones, I'd teach until my voice box could no longer produce a sound. Sadly, education (especially quality education) isn't for free. I am beginning to think that most people are resigned to paying the price of ignorance because the price of education is just too exorbitant. It's no longer a question of whether or not you're determined to learn but a question of what you're willing to endure and to give up just to stay in school.

Educators, on the other hand, have learned to rationalize their plight by looking at the teaching profession as a vocation. In so doing, they focus on the non-monetary rewards and try (if they could) not to look at their paychecks and to never compare it with the paycheck of others. It's the only way to survive and avoid self-pity. That teaching is a noble profession is an old and accepted view, if not a fact. If this is so, why do these noble professionals do not earn as much as the other professionals? What gives? Why are their talents, knowledge and skills not as appreciated as the talents, knowledge and skills of doctors, lawyers and engineers? I say it's time for society to mean what it say. If teachers are important, value them. Allow them to enjoy the fruits of their dedication and labor by making sure that they have decent, if not comfortable, lives because they work hard for it.

This is from someone who started out as student and eventually became a teacher. I am glad I did not loose faith in the system. Despite being exposed to teachers who cannot perform their tasks because they were either underpaid, unmotivated or disillusioned by the system, I still believe in the capacity of education to transform the individual. Luckily, I had teachers who taught me through their choices and their lifestyle that some things are worth the sacrifice. Some things are more important than a luxurious lifestyle. I had teachers who instilled in me the desire to do my share to affect others and community in my own little way, the best way that I can.

I hope I did not fail them. I hope my students, one day, can say the same thing about me. I hope they'll say that my brief presence in their lives made them realize that it's to their best interest to study hard and to go beyond money and personal success. I hope they look at society and manage to be critical but not cynical, to question and to accept authority when necessary, to stay and do their part before leaving the country, to never renounce their citizenship, to never act like they're from another country because they look and talk like a Filipino anyway. I hope they realize that they only need to try to make it possible.

As a student and teacher, I tried to change the world one class at a time. I know it's not enough. I pray I can do more.

LINKS

He said hi again a few days ago. He seemed eager to have a conversation since he didn't stop talking after I said "ok". The last two conversations we had both ended after I said "ok". No smileys, no "hahaha" or "hehe", just a simple yes, no, or good. He probably noticed I was being cold and figured I wasn't the best person to talk to. I was even surprised at my own behavior. I never knew I could be that unfeeling towards him. After all, this was the very same guy I talked to for hours every day for more than 3 months, the same person who was my best friend and confidante when I felt work was crap and life was boring. He probably doesn't know that. If he did, perhaps, he would have been considerate. Or perhaps, he knew it and felt it wasn't what he wanted so he disappeared.

Why he disappeared, I don't know. I don't have the courage to ask. Many times, I told him that I'm the type who would go all out for something that I like even when it's obvious I won’t be getting it. But I'm also the type who, after I give it my all, would stop trying, cry, blame myself and set new goals. With him, I tried. I tried even when my pride couldn't take it anymore. I tried even when he pushed me away. I tried even when it was obvious he wasn't interested in doing the same. Having done all that, what else is left for me to do but to move on and get used to not hearing from him.

And life is cruel. After getting used to it (somehow), he drops a line to ask how I was doing and if I was still doing the same thing. I said I'm okay and nothing has changed. I managed to ask how he was and he said he's fine and quite busy. I said "ok" and that's it.

A few weeks after that, he sent me a message saying he heard about the typhoon and the flood and thought it would be a good time to "touch base" with me. I wanted to be sarcastic and ask him if he would send me relief goods in case I was one of the victims of the typhoon. But I can't inject humor into the conversation. Humor would mean everything is back to how it was. So after we assured each other we were fine and I said "ok", it ended.

Our most recent conversation was relatively longer. He asked how my dad, my brother, and my friend (I told him about this friend I worry about) was. I said they were fine and in return, I asked how his sister and parents were doing. The sister, I learned, is in Germany for two months now and their parents are about to pay her a visit. I suggested he should go with them. I thought that will end there but he talked about NASA and sent a link. I always complain about the links he sends me. Every time he talks about something, it's always accompanied by a link. I asked him if the links are back and he said he can't do anything about it because he's a "linker". He said he's sure that I missed it. I replied by saying that I can't contest his opinion because he's sure. He then asked if I did miss it even a little bit. Should I tell the truth or play it cool?

He would take any answer. He always believed and respected what I had to say. He'd speak his mind but I cannot recall an instance when he said I was wrong. Always the calm one, he'd let me rant and be irrational. I can say NO and keep my pride. I'd probably be credible since I never sent him a message since he disappeared. But I was always honest with him and I choose to be honest even when it'll cost my pride. I said "of course" instead of yes. I said I missed it because for a while it was an everyday thing. He explained that he had plenty of work, his ex-GF finally moved to Ohio, he had to clean the house and thus had no time to chat.

What I didn't say was I missed him more than I missed the links. I wasn't able to assure him that despite my cold replies, I'm happy to be able to talk to him. I would have asked him to tell me stories and listen to mine if only I could get over my fear of him disappearing once again. I would go back to how things were in a heartbeat if I'm assured he won't be too busy again in the future.

But I'm afraid and traumatized. I can only take so much. I need to heal.