Thursday, November 5, 2009

LINKS

He said hi again a few days ago. He seemed eager to have a conversation since he didn't stop talking after I said "ok". The last two conversations we had both ended after I said "ok". No smileys, no "hahaha" or "hehe", just a simple yes, no, or good. He probably noticed I was being cold and figured I wasn't the best person to talk to. I was even surprised at my own behavior. I never knew I could be that unfeeling towards him. After all, this was the very same guy I talked to for hours every day for more than 3 months, the same person who was my best friend and confidante when I felt work was crap and life was boring. He probably doesn't know that. If he did, perhaps, he would have been considerate. Or perhaps, he knew it and felt it wasn't what he wanted so he disappeared.

Why he disappeared, I don't know. I don't have the courage to ask. Many times, I told him that I'm the type who would go all out for something that I like even when it's obvious I won’t be getting it. But I'm also the type who, after I give it my all, would stop trying, cry, blame myself and set new goals. With him, I tried. I tried even when my pride couldn't take it anymore. I tried even when he pushed me away. I tried even when it was obvious he wasn't interested in doing the same. Having done all that, what else is left for me to do but to move on and get used to not hearing from him.

And life is cruel. After getting used to it (somehow), he drops a line to ask how I was doing and if I was still doing the same thing. I said I'm okay and nothing has changed. I managed to ask how he was and he said he's fine and quite busy. I said "ok" and that's it.

A few weeks after that, he sent me a message saying he heard about the typhoon and the flood and thought it would be a good time to "touch base" with me. I wanted to be sarcastic and ask him if he would send me relief goods in case I was one of the victims of the typhoon. But I can't inject humor into the conversation. Humor would mean everything is back to how it was. So after we assured each other we were fine and I said "ok", it ended.

Our most recent conversation was relatively longer. He asked how my dad, my brother, and my friend (I told him about this friend I worry about) was. I said they were fine and in return, I asked how his sister and parents were doing. The sister, I learned, is in Germany for two months now and their parents are about to pay her a visit. I suggested he should go with them. I thought that will end there but he talked about NASA and sent a link. I always complain about the links he sends me. Every time he talks about something, it's always accompanied by a link. I asked him if the links are back and he said he can't do anything about it because he's a "linker". He said he's sure that I missed it. I replied by saying that I can't contest his opinion because he's sure. He then asked if I did miss it even a little bit. Should I tell the truth or play it cool?

He would take any answer. He always believed and respected what I had to say. He'd speak his mind but I cannot recall an instance when he said I was wrong. Always the calm one, he'd let me rant and be irrational. I can say NO and keep my pride. I'd probably be credible since I never sent him a message since he disappeared. But I was always honest with him and I choose to be honest even when it'll cost my pride. I said "of course" instead of yes. I said I missed it because for a while it was an everyday thing. He explained that he had plenty of work, his ex-GF finally moved to Ohio, he had to clean the house and thus had no time to chat.

What I didn't say was I missed him more than I missed the links. I wasn't able to assure him that despite my cold replies, I'm happy to be able to talk to him. I would have asked him to tell me stories and listen to mine if only I could get over my fear of him disappearing once again. I would go back to how things were in a heartbeat if I'm assured he won't be too busy again in the future.

But I'm afraid and traumatized. I can only take so much. I need to heal.

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